03/18/25 || 10:48 am

its so awful being told your whole life that you're a good artist and you should pursue it. then you realize that you're not a good artist and never will be. you're surrounded by people who focused their time and energy into honing on their craft while you left yourself behind because you're a fucking idiot and knew it was pointless. any amount of practice cant hide you obvious innability to do anything well. you pride yourself on youre writing abilities but you know that one day this will be just the same. you're not good at anything and you're doomed to live a life you hate. you are a waste of fucking space who isn't special in the slightest. you're annoying, unbearable, and overall an upsetting person to be around. you're not funny and no one likes you. why bother with anything? theres always someone better than you, someone prettier than you, someone funnier than you. you try to cover up how obnoxious you are with a bandaid that lost its stick. the only reason people stick around is because they feel bad. your online friend is only around because he wants something out of you. its hopeless and you should probably just fucking die but its whatever. life goes on. youre family has gaslit themselves into believing they care so you'll be even worse of a person if you die. they've spent too much time and money on you anyways, don't waste it. you'll never find love and you are doomed to die of an overdose alone in a shitty apartment. you're unbearable and anyone telling you otherwise is just being nice. its just out of obligation. no one thinks of you willingly. no one cares. you fucking suck.

as i've grown older i've realized that no one likes me. i've been bullied my entire life and never knew why. i will probably never know why. something in my air, my energy, i dont know. but i have to be okay with it. that no one can stand me. that i'll just be alone. i reject help because i know its pointless to try and change my mind. i will always hate myself and thats something i have to be okay with too. i cant die, unfortunately. ive tried twice but im too pussy. i cant even cut myself so whats the point. whats the point with anything. get a degree i hate, a job i hate, a life i hate. maybe someone will love me. maybe ill convince myself that i love them too. maybe ill have a kid and tell myself that it too i love. i will never love anything anymore. everything is fleeting and nothing is forever. it never sticks. it never will. never, never, never. never.

ive never been special. ive never amount to anything. i will never be known for anything. i will never start anything. i will never be apart of anything. everyone my age has found their special thing. painters, actors, mathematicians, business people, sculptors, writers. i want to be something but i am doomed to be nothing. i have no motivation. it physically pains me to try. i'm attempting to write a serious fanfiction but even just writing notes for the outline is painful. i cant focus i cant do anything. when i try to think it feels like ripping my hair out. im trying to read a book im genuinely interested in. i read a couple chapters and scream in pain because i cannot read anymore. i try to do anything and i feel the cold hands of self worth putting me back in place. the place of being nothing. nothing forever and never anything. i am doomed to be a background character no matter how hard i try. a hated and annoying and obnoxious and awful and weird and upsetting background character. no one likes me and no one will ever like me. theres no point in trying to be anything anymore. im so afraid and i feel so awful. i want help but i've refused it so many times. i've been so upset with the help given i don't deserve to try again. i've been given meds when i begged for them but never took them. i've been given therapy when i begged for it but gave up too soon. i've been given everything i wanted but i got scared and confused and quit too early. now everyone is mad at me and everyone is disapointed and everyone hates me. everyone has, did, and will hate me. im the worst person you could meet and im so sorry you have to put up with me. one day i'll be gone. one day you won't have to hear from me ata all. when i turn 18 im going to cut everyone off and live in solitude. no one will hear from me. no one will be with me. i deserve whatever i am given and what i am given i will go through alone. no one deserves to hear my pain because its stupid and unjustified. i am fine theres no reason for me to feel like this. i'm an attention whore that should die in a crack house alone and crying. i'll probably just lead a mediocre life with nothing lost or gained. nothing about me is worth anything.

03/17/25 || 2:37 pm

i dont like updating this website at home. i have a million different things to do and making this website feels like more of a school thing. anyways over the weekend i was supposed to work both days but i had such an insane coughing fit in the first 10 minutes of my shift on saturday that i got sent home. like no i promise im not THAT sick. just a little bit sort of. i do work in a resturaunt though so it makes sense. i hope that walmart does call me back. the day i got hired at this job walmart called me back and i denied it because i already had a job. mama said i was stupid but at the time it made sense but now im regretting it. i hope i get a restocker job or smth. as long as my managers and coworkers arent unbearable and i can get my nails done i think ill be ok. oh and my hours are good too. i need that mun-aye. i fucking hate sociology. they put all the fucking sped kids in here so i have to deal with them. but like the sped kids arent as bad as these two brothers (twins i think tbh) that also sould be in the fucking sped class. one is just SO much more unbearable than the other. he freaks out about every fucking grade. "ith thith gwade worf anyfing?" OH MY GOD I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. "im mentally pweepawing myself for thith tetht." this is literally the easiest fucking class you will ever have. you are so fucking annoying. he ALWAYS inturrupts the teacher too and asks the stupidest fucking questions. YES DUDE YES THIS WILL BE ON THE TEST WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE LEARNING IT. even the teacher fucking hates him. see this is why i couldnt be a teacher i would hate every single one of my students. his brother is just mildly annoying but not as bad. they cant seem to sit in their own fucking seats though. the bitch with a lisp sat in my seat once and looked at me like a baby with brain damage when i told him to move so i had to sit next to someone else. hes chill tho and i know him so it didnt totally fucking suck but still i HATE that guy. what boulder was dropped on their heads when they were children. my sublime cd delievered during math and im very happy. now i have all my cds! my favorite is def my pierce the veil cd. props and mayhem is so fucking good. still never updated my last entry with the pictures. i hope i remember when i get home... tbh i might just delete it entirely. my outfit is so fucking ugly today but im so comfy. black sweats and my favorite sweater thats like totally trashed. its got those balls all over it because i washed it wrong but what the fuck ever. i want to go shopping for new clothes soon but i KNOW this paycheck is gonna be sooo shit. i think i get paid friday. i was gonna have 30 hours last week, it was supposed to be beautiful [dead_rose]. not much to say really. im forgetting what day it is and what time. it feels like a wednesday wierdly. i need to make that emoji folder.

03/14/25 || 11:26 am

fuck my LIFE dude oh my GOD!!!! yesterday i didnt have time to update again because in my last period i had an insane essay to write that i didnt even fucking finish. i JUST finished it in flex like 10 minutes ago. when i got home i slept for 3 hours, woke up and ate dinner, slept for another 2 hours, and played roblox before popping 2 melatonin and going back to bed. i spent 15 dollars on roblox. ermmm.... anyways... today i close at work again. so annoying. jon isnt even going to be there so i might as well KILL MYSELF!! hopefully someone i dont care about calls out so he has to cover their shift. i want to see him so bad. FUCK i need a cigarette rn but idk where to get one FUCK. if you would like to buy me a box of cigarettes i will do devious things!!!!!!! i am so tired and my eye hurts again. not sure if something got in it or my lashes r put on funny. it happens all the time and it pisses me off. i was so happy when i got my CDs, the pierce the veil one was cracked but thats ok the CD still works and thats all that matters. the system of a down one has rlly cool packaging. the panic at the disco one is nice, i like dont threaten me with a good time a lot. very corny but its panic at the disco + it samples rock lobster so i dont care. love goth music even tho its not even really goth. my cd player is charged and so is my speaker so when i get home after my shift im gonna 1. update this entry with images of my cds. 2. turn on peirce the veil cd. 3. play roblox using my avatars i just bought. ill add screenshots of them too. maybe gifs of them spinning so yall can see. bitch whos yall??? literally only my friends know about this website so far and they probably don't give a gaf!! if you're reading this and not someone i know in real life or star then one how the fuck did you find this site its not like really up yet and omg hiiiiiii ^_^
well not too much to talk about anymore. hopefully something eventful (GOOD EVENTFUL!!) happens so i can update this entry a lil when i get home. im gonna make the place where the images are gonna go for now and put the images in after my shift. i am SO tired FUCK

03/13/25 || 11:06 am

my last entry was shorter than i wanted it to be, because i had to close out of my chromebook early and closed at work so i completely forgot about it. i finished my entry just now but like it feels weird considering i was talking as if today was yesterday... huh... anyways my cds are coming today so yayayay! i took some dayquil pills this morning and i feel so dizzy. i took a small nap in the nurses office but i feel like im gonna DIE. im so tired and everything is spinning. i want to go home but my mama would be mad but i need to write my DBQ essay in history. im so miserable. i hope my cds are here when i get home. im gonna put on pierce the veil and fall asleep. i was gonna do my laundry but im so tired. maybe ill pop it in and tell mom to switch it for me while i sleep so i can fold them when i wake up. i hate folding my clothes because its so tedious and I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. those crackers that the nurse gave me tasted funny but theyre kinda good. we use the same brand at work for our soups. i love crackers. im so bird. oh my God i might pass out im so dizzy its miserable. i missed like half my flex because i was sleeping in the nurses office but i dont care. the sub is a really sweet old dude and felt bad that im so dizzy. i thought i was gonna fall when i was walking up the stairs. i wanna make a game, idk if i want it to be html or roblox or smth else. but its a typing game where you have to type smth as fast as possible but if you fuck up then lose. like fuck up AT ALL. i would fail miserably but it seems fun. probably really good to learn typing too. also yesterday during my shift a guy while ordering said "i was here a month ago and got the same exact thing..." and i thought 'oh brother whatever happened a month ago is not my problem.' bc ppl complain like this all the time like dawg im not on line im sorry they put olives when you asked for no olives BUT I DIDNT DO THAT. anyways he DIDNT complain and said "i forgot my wallet and the person at the window let me have it anyways. i want to pay for that sandwhich today." which is really sweet and he did pay for it. when i cashed him out he said "i have smth for you!" and handed me a little rubber jesus and he said "everyone needs a little jesus in their lives :)" and it was the sweetest most adorable thing ever i love good people it made me want to cry. nothing else to say so far. ill probably update this before i let out for school. i have english then lunch then history. oh shit my sub made a girl cry what the fuck happened. oh well idk her im so sorry ma'am that sucks.

03/12/25 || 3:42 pm

ive finally repicked this website back up! its only been about a week since i made it but i just got weirdly bored with it. some of the logistics are making me realise how shitty i made my code and how im REALLY gonna have to reap what i sow eventually. the update section is gonna piss me off bad i just know it. i have to MANUALLY UPDATE IT ON EVERY PAGE ANY TIME I UPDATE THIS WEBSITE. miserable. i know theres probably a way that is INFINITELY EASIER to do this but i just hapazardly memorized html so i am not the person to figure that out. i dont want to imagine how long this code will be considering how i plan to keep a DIARY here. blog diary same thing. anyways some personal things that have happened in my life recently. i had quite a few off days this pay period so my paycheck was shit. only 205 dollars. i did buy 4 CDs with that though. only about 48 dollars all together. i got pierce the veil - collide with the sky. sublime - sublime. panic at the dicso - death of a bachelor. system of a down - mesmorizer. they said they should be here friday! also i close today. fucking awful. but i need the hours to get the money. i was SUPPOSED to have 30 hours this week but because i got really fucking sick i lost 2 days so now i only have like 20-ish hours?? im so pissed. hopefully im gonna feel better by next week so i can get as many as im given. im also gonna go full time during my spring break (only a week sadly) so ill get a LOT then. my coworker has like 1.4k bc he doesnt buy a lot of things. lucky ass knows how to save money smh. like i said i got really fucking sick over the weekend. nose running so bad that i rubbed it raw yet it was still clogged so bad i had to breathe out my mouth. coughing like crazy and feeling like i might vomit. probably just a cold considering that i had no high temps but still awful. i feel better today. just a cough and a stuffy nose. ugh.